The Difference Between Being "Nice" and Being Kind When You Have Real Power
Here's what most people don't understand about powerful people: the ones who seem the most "nice" are often the most disconnected from their actual kindness.
If you're a man with real capacity—whether that's emotional depth, leadership ability, or natural authority—you've probably learned to default to being "nice" as a way to manage your impact on others.
But there's a massive difference between being nice and being truly kind, and that difference determines whether your power serves others or just makes you feel safer.
Why Being 'Nice' Actually Hurts Your Relationships
Being "nice" is essentially a management strategy. It's what you do when you have power but you're afraid of how others will respond to it.
Think about how this shows up:
You soften your opinions so they're more palatable
You avoid giving direct feedback even when it would help someone
You say "yes" to requests that don't align with what you actually think is best
You hold back insights that might challenge someone's thinking
You deflect compliments or downplay your expertise to make others comfortable
This isn't kindness—it's self-management disguised as consideration.
What True Kindness Looks Like When You Have Power
Kindness, when you have real power, requires you to own that power and use it in service of what's actually needed.
A truly kind powerful man:
Tells you the truth you need to hear, even if it's uncomfortable
Uses his authority to create space for others to be authentic
Says "no" to requests that would drain him because he knows that serves everyone better
Shares his genuine perspective because he trusts others can handle it
Takes up appropriate space so others know where they stand
The difference: Nice men manage their power. Kind men use their power skillfully.
How Women Really Experience 'Nice' vs Kind Men
Women can sense the difference between these two approaches immediately.
When you're being "nice," she experiences:
Uncertainty about what you actually think and feel
Having to work to get your real opinion
A sense that you're managing her instead of being genuine with her
Feeling like she needs to be careful around your feelings
When you're being genuinely kind, she experiences:
Safety to be authentic because you can handle her truth
Trust that you'll tell her what she needs to know
Freedom to relax because she knows you'll maintain appropriate boundaries
Appreciation for your strength because you use it to create good outcomes
Essential Skills for Using Your Power Correctly in Relationships
The skill isn't learning to be less powerful or more accommodating. The skill is learning to use your power kindly instead of managing it nicely.
This requires:
Somatic awareness of when you're contracting to make others comfortable vs. responding from genuine care
Discernment about when directness serves the situation vs. when gentleness is what's needed
Boundary skills that allow you to be generous without depleting yourself
Emotional presence that can handle others' reactions to your authentic power
How to Stop Managing Your Impact and Start Using It Skillfully
Like any skill, this means being willing to be uncomfortable while you learn the difference between managing your impact and using it skillfully.
You'll have moments where you're too direct and need to calibrate. You'll have moments where you default to being "nice" and miss opportunities to be truly helpful. You'll feel the discomfort of owning your power instead of hiding from it.
This discomfort isn't evidence that you're being unkind—it's evidence that you're learning to use your capacity in service of others instead of just managing their comfort with it.
What Changes When You Learn to Be Kind Instead of Nice
When you develop the skill of being kind instead of just nice:
People start coming to you for guidance because they trust you to give them what they actually need
Women feel safer around your power because they can sense you know how to use it responsibly
Your relationships deepen because others can access your genuine care instead of just your managed version
You feel more fulfilled because you're actually using your capacity to serve instead of constantly containing it
The Foundation You Need
If this resonates with you—if you can see that your "niceness" might actually be a way of managing your power rather than expressing genuine kindness—the first step is developing the foundational skills for using your capacity relationally.
This includes learning to stay present in your body when your power gets activated, developing discernment about when to engage vs. when to hold back, and building the nervous system capacity to handle others' reactions to your authentic presence.
Everything is a skill, including the ability to be genuinely kind when you have real power to wield.
If you're ready to develop these foundational skills, [Rooted] is designed to help men learn the difference between managing their emotional impact and using their emotions skillfully in relationships to build empowering relationships.
