How to share what you need in an empowered, attractive way (without being "needy")

Many women have the experience of their anxiety being to blame for the “clingy” behaviors they believe drove men away and so they don’t reveal what they need (or at least not in a way healthy men can hear). 

Therefore, the real issue is that many men don’t know what their partner needs and the women have been taught to posture in a way that doesn’t help him support her. 

It’s like giving the wrong cues and then revealing disappointment that he guessed wrong. 

This isn’t the formula for mutually satisfying relationships. 

What I’ve since learned is there is a difference between sharing and revealing. 

Women share information as a form of communication. 

It’s often done with another person to facilitate a sense of connection. 

We share things about ourselves, what we like and don’t like, our interests and hobbies, etc. 

It’s necessary so people around us can have an idea of “us”- who we are and what makes us tick. 

This won’t register with a man because they have a different way of communicating than women do. 

I remember I would try to do this by sharing that I was feeling anxious and wondering why they weren’t fixing the situation. 

But there’s a deeper layer that I teach women which is the true integration of the Feminine. 

Revealing. 

Revealing requires that a woman have her own masculine energy online (this is why it’s one of the first things I teach women because it changes the game). 

She needs her own masculine energy because it takes conscious awareness and choice to reveal- to intentionally make herself vulnerable- and without the ability to support herself, the risk would feel too great for the feminine. 

This is because the purpose of revealing is not just a sense of community but intimacy, the *feeling* of safety that comes from belonging. 

Revealing happens in real time. 

It looks like allowing someone to see our experience- not necessarily/only with our words, but with our whole body. 

The body often holds the subtleties we think we conceal so well. 

Many of the stories we tell internally can be observed by people around you (how you tense up, if your body appears hardened or your voice “sharp”, etc). 

This should be freeing to hear, and yet as I’ve observed, the more time you’ve spent around people that cannot read your body language, the more awareness it will take. 

Emotional maturity, in my opinion, is about learning what you need and how to set yourself up to thrive- to come into a state of congruence which *feels* good to the feminine. 

This requires new boundaries and it also takes away the need to judge people as good or bad and shifts the focus to goodness of fit *for you*. 

This is highly empowering for a woman.

(I find that dating is the best space to create these corrective experiences because relationships are often where the injured way of being was first learned). 

For a woman to reveal herself while she is experiencing anxiety, she must first acknowledge that she is experiencing it. 

This seems elementary and yet I have found that my clients tend to be highly intuitive women that have, through life experiences and behaviors they inherited, learned to trust other people more than themselves. 

I find this to be an underlying cause of her anxiety.

For this reason, she needs to see herself clearly first so she can show up cleanly to reveal it to someone else (if not, she will likely project it onto them and wonder why the situation isn’t getting better- ask me how I know). 

The point of revealing isn’t to make the anxiety go away- to aim for that actually will reinforce the injury. 

What we want is to allow someone to help us accept ourselves in the anxiety which will naturally allow the anxiety to lessen. 

In my experience, simply holding my awareness of the experience- the sensation that is felt when *the story plays*- in the presence of a man is enough to shift it. 

There is something powerfully healing in being seen *and* experiencing safety while you are unguarded. 

I do this by focusing on the sensation in my body (this takes a little practice, but I can usually find a knot in my stomach if I’m feeling nervous) and I choose to reveal it.

This seems backward, most of us don’t want to let someone see the anxiety animated in their body- present as a tapping foot, a quivering hand, or a nervous laugh.

Instead, we instinctively ignore the chink in our armor hoping to draw attention away from it. 

But by revealing it, the energy (in the form of tension) is allowed to sync up with the story that is playing in our mind (usually a worst-case scenario) which actually keeps us present and emotionally available. 

By continuing to feel the sensation and acknowledge the story *while* experiencing the safety a good man can provide, it is reducing the pressure to “make it go away” in order to feel attractive. 

In my own research, when I have focused on allowing the tension to be there, the other person will do or say something that creates enough contrast that the old story is discredited. 

What I have found, in working with others and in my own experience is acceptance is the antidote to anxiety. 

The more I have learned about others (men), the more I accept myself and the more I learn about myself, the more I can accept others (men).

Similarly, the more a woman is able to stay present to her own emotional experience while observing those around her, the more self-confident she will be while she is revealing.

This is intimacy: the mutual observation of the thoughts and experiences  

I have a program designed to help women learn to reveal their hearts by activating their inner support system. I have space available for 1:1 mentoring in my signature program ARISE. I’ll link it below if you’d like more details. If it feels like a good fit, we can get started right away!