Saying "no" like it's your birthday

How would you feel about saying “no” if it were your birthday? 

As a recovering people pleaser, being protective of my time and attention can sometimes bring up feelings of guilt and self-judgment… (but not on my birthday😜). 

Many of my clients are (also) very conscientious and find it much easier to prioritize someone else over their wants/needs making it difficult for them to receive what they want/need most.

I’ve heard it said that your “yes” is only as powerful as your “no”.

Here’s what I know, the muscles we activate most often are the ones that develop (and can be seen when other habits shift as well).

Our emotional muscles are no different. 

This doesn’t mean you get everything your way all the time but speaking up for yourself and what you want/need is a muscle and when it’s only exercised once a year, it’s like doing situps once and expecting a beach body come summertime. 

If you’re feeling burned out by all the demands on your time and attention, here’s the tool I would recommend: imagine today is your birthday. When you look at your calendar, how “entitled”* would you feel to your own time? (*This word will be very triggering for most people pleasers and I can assure you, you will find peace with it as you practice getting what you need).

It was my birthday this week and I woke up excited about my day.
I felt uniquely in charge of how I would spend my time and assumed my friends would want to help me facilitate that (it’s this level of confidence/trust we’re recalibrating to- you aren’t going to turn into a “spoiled brat”)

It occurred to me when I was chatting with one of my friends who said she felt honored to spend “my day” with me that this is the level of permission most women need to recalibrate their boundaries back to a healthy space. 

The reason so many women struggle to set boundaries is that the other 364 days of the year they aren’t exercising the “me day” muscle. 

So when they’re asked (even implicitly, like in the case of someone else not stepping up to fulfill their responsibility) to pick up the slack, she is on autopilot. 

The cost: “me time”

This may not seem critical at that moment (often because the conditioning most of my clients are unwinding is the knee-jerk reaction to accept less than they need/want in a dynamic to keep the peace) but if you multiply that by several instances per day over those 364 days the result is a constant drain on her internal reserve (this is usually what alerts her to seek support). 

Instead of containing that energy, allowing it to pool and create depth and richness in her own life, it is (not-so-) slowly leaking until this “pool” is dry and she feels hollow inside. 

We’ve all heard you can’t pour from an empty vessel but it’s difficult to implement in practice, especially the more people rely on you. 

And if you struggle with people pleasing (saying “yes” when you wish you could say “no”, or vice versa), consider this permission to treat today like your birthday. Let that energy preserve some space on the calendar “just for you”. 

Notice who you get to be as a result of that time/space. And how you feel about showing up to the other commitments in your life.

I’d love to hear 😜

If you’re looking to restructure how you feel about taking up space on your calendar, you won’t want to miss my newest content. You can get a sneak peek for free here (How to set boundaries like a queen: a step-by-step process to energetically “get behind” getting what you need).