You're Trying So Hard Not to Be Pushy That You've Become Confusing Instead

By Courtney Schand | Relationship Coach


You think staying connected to your desire will make you pushy.

So you hold back, monitor her comfort, and wait for clear permission before you move. You override the impulse to reach for her hand, to pull her closer, to dance with her when something exciting happens.

You think you're being respectful. But what you're actually doing- disconnecting from your desire, substituting what seems "appropriate" for what you actually feel- is actually what's confusing her. And that confusion is what's giving her the ick.

The Pattern You Can't See From Inside It

Here's what's happening:

You have a genuine impulse. Something visceral. You want to reach for her hand. You want to pull her closer. You want to kiss her.

Then the override kicks in. The thought: That might be too much for where we are. She might not like that. I don’t want to make her uncomfortable.

So you give her a high-five. You keep your hands in your pockets. You stay where you are.

You think you just made her more comfortable. But what she actually experienced in the energy between you was incongruence. Your energy said one thing, your action said another. She probably doesn’t have words for it, but the more present she is, the more she will feel the energy building between you as well. And now she's confused.

Does he want me? Is he interested? Why does this feel off?

She’s been forced into her head. And feminine attraction doesn't live there.

What You Think You're Avoiding vs. What You're Actually Creating

You think: If I stay connected to my impulses, I'll be pushy, I’ll overstep, and make her uncomfortable.

The reality: The way you disconnect from your impulses- and substitute cognitive "appropriateness"- creates a muddy energetic field she can't read. And, remember, unclear feels unsafe to the feminine nervous system.

Not because you're threatening (she’s probably on a date with you because she consciously knows you’re not). But because she can't get a clear read on you.

She wants to feel you- in your body, present in the moment, responding to the energy flowing between you- with her. When you're dissociated and navigating cognitively, there's nothing visceral for her to connect with. She's left analyzing instead of feeling. And that stalls the attraction because there’s nothing to feel.

The Substitution That Seems Safer (But Isn't)

Here's how this shows up:

You're walking together after dinner. The conversation has deepened. There's a moment where reaching for her hand would feel natural. You feel the pull to do it.

But you hesitate. Is this the right time? What if she's not ready? I should wait for a clearer sign.

So you don't reach. You keep walking, hands in your pockets.

Later, she mentions to a friend that she wasn't sure if you were actually interested because the vibe felt more like friends.

Here's what actually happened:

Your genuine impulse- reaching for her hand- matched the energy of the moment. The conversation had depth (green light). There was openness between you (green light). But you didn't trust that visceral read and overrode it with something that seemed, cognitively, safer.

The result: a missed connection. Maybe awkwardness. And a moment that should have deepened the dynamic, that instead left her confused about where you stand.

What would have worked: Staying connected to the impulse. Either moving with it (reaching for her hand while staying attuned to her response, able to adjust if she pulls back) or owning your hesitation directly: "I want to hold your hand right now, and I'm not sure if that's where you are yet."

Both of those options are congruent and give her something clear to respond to. Keeping your hands in your pockets gave her nothing, just confusion about what you actually wanted.

The Unspoken Bargain You're Making

Here's the subtle piece most men miss:

When you disconnect from your genuine impulse and substitute what you think she wants, you're not just “being considerate”. You're also making an unspoken bargain.

Often, you're giving her the experience you think she wants- with the unconscious expectation that she'll reciprocate. Instead of owning what you want/need, you’re hoping that she'll make it safe for you to express that or give you what you actually need without you having to ask for it directly.

I know this dynamic because I’ve done it too, and we all get to clean it up if we want healthier connections.

Because when you do this, it muddies communication- both verbally and viscerally. She's left trying to read between the lines; most healthy people understand the reciprocal nature of relationships, but she's not clear on what you actually want in return. And when this dynamic is at play, your kind gestures, though well-intentioned, come across as unclear (visceral translation: tread lightly). Because you're modulating your expression, you are effectively controlling hers as well.

Women feel this. They can't always name it. But they feel the energetic leakiness. And it turns them off at best. At worst, it keeps them from relaxing into the connection because they're too busy trying to decode what's actually happening.

Why This Creates the Opposite of Safety

You think you're making her feel safe by holding back. But here's what actually makes women feel safe:

Masculine clarity (and you have it in spades).

About the moment. About your desire. About the direction the energy is moving.

When you're unclear, energetically waiting for permission, or not fully present, it’s confusing for her. She starts to wonder if you’re available for the type of dynamic she wants, and the longer she has to wonder, the less attractive you are to her. Not because you’re not attractive, but because it requires more of her masculine energy to be around you.

When I hear (emotionally mature) women talking about getting “the ick”, it’s almost always a result of a man's energy being unclear around her.

She wants your clarity. Not so she can comply with it, but so she can respond to it. So she has something tangible to orient to. So she can relax her mind and be present with you. This is a deeply satisfying feminine experience.

This works best when you're attuned to her viscerally AND move first. It feels like a direction with consideration. She can feel that you're tuned in to her and that you're clear enough within yourself to advance the connection and invite her to join you in it. It feels like wind in the sails and allows her to bring more of herself to the moment, too.

That's what allows her to relax. That's what builds attraction.

You Don't Realize You’re Disassociating

The reason you're substituting visceral presence for cognitive navigation isn't that you're awkward or bad at being around women. It's because you've been dissociated for so long that cutting yourself off from visceral awareness has become automatic.

The impulse arises. The habit kicks in to “be reasonable”. You pivot to mental analysis, thinking it will increase the likelihood of the outcome you want. What would be appropriate here? What do women say they want?- and instead of responding to what’s actually happening, you decide to do something else that ends up feeling both inauthentic and awkward.

This is confusing for both of you.

What She's Actually Looking For

She's looking for your masculine energy to create clarity and direction.

Not control or force. Clarity.

She doesn't want to have to decode your unclear signals while also managing her own experience. It puts her in the position to lead the dance, to be responsible for making it safe for you to show up and engage with her authentically.

She wants you to go first. To create a clear signal she can respond to. To be connected to your desire enough to take action, while staying connected to her.

When you do that, she can relax. She can drop into her feminine, visceral knowing. She doesn't have to think her way through the dynamic; she can feel her way through it. She can follow your lead.

That's what creates chemistry. That's what allows sexual and flirty energy to build as natural, indirect tension between you.

The Skill You're Missing

The skill isn't learning to be “more masculine” or more outgoing.

The skill is staying connected to your visceral system so you can feel the moment (this is what we teach in Grounded: The Embodiment Experience for Men), feel her, trust your impulses, and create the clarity she needs to respond to.

When you're attuned viscerally, you can pick up on the cues. You can feel when tension is building. You can sense when it's the right time to move toward her. You can read her body language in real time and adjust if needed.

But when you're dissociated, you lose access to that information. So you default to cognitive rules and permission-seeking. You unconsciously thing, “if I can’t see what’s happening, I can at least play by the rules and not get hurt”. But that kills the aliveness of the moment because playing by the rules isn’t the same thing as being authentically engaged. It’s the difference between someone asking “how are you?” (the social rule) and actually listening to how you respond (engaging).

What Congruent Looks Like

Congruent doesn't mean perfect. It means your energy and your action match.

If you want to squeeze her, you either:

• Move with that impulse (staying attuned to her response, able to adjust if she seems uncomfortable)

• Own your hesitation directly: "I want you in my arms right now, but I'm not sure you'd like that yet."

Both are clear. Both give her something to respond to viscerally.

What's not congruent: Wanting to squeeze her, overriding that impulse, and patting her on the back instead. Now she's confused. Your energy said one thing, your action said another, and she has no idea what you actually want.

The Action You Can Take Now

If you need more connection or clarity before you feel comfortable expressing freely, own that directly.

Don't wait for her to create the conditions that make you comfortable. It doesn’t work to suppress your impulses and hope she'll somehow know what you need.

Go first. Create clarity about what you want.

"I'm enjoying getting to know you. I'd like to see you twice this week."

"I'd like to have a FaceTime call instead of text."

Or spend time getting clear on what experiences you’re looking for in a relationship and invite her to those.

You think this will make you pushy. It won't. It makes it safe to engage to the degree she feels comfortable. It becomes a collaborative moment that can lead to natural, playful exchanges, instead of a serious negotiation about needs.

What This Actually Requires

This isn't something you can think your way into. Your nervous system needs a new baseline.

The work is reconnecting with your visceral system. Learning to feel what's happening and trust that information. Building the capacity to stay present in your body while staying attuned to her.

When you can do that, you stop emitting confusing signals. You stop waiting for permission, start moving differently, and create the clarity women have been looking for.

And that's when the dynamics around you shift.

This recalibration, learning to stay connected to your desire while staying attuned to her, is what we do in Grounded: The Embodiment Experience for Men. It's not cognitive work. It's somatic. Your nervous system learns a new baseline so you can show up congruent, clear, and actually safe. If that's the work you're ready for, join us in the next round or book a discovery call to see if that’s the best option for your situation.