If they wanted you to be your happiest, how/what would you ask?

What would need to happen for you to be the most confident version of yourself on a date?

When a woman struggles to own her own needs and preferences, it makes sense that she will experience anxiety on a date. 

She will assume it’s “just the way she’s wired” or that there’s a deep trauma being triggered that will send her looking for why she is showing up this way but what I’ve seen more often than not is that she simply may not have known how to express/how important her preferences are to the man in front of her. 

It’s likely that she’s been operating in the paradigm of “being too much”, an old childhood paradigm that keeps her from expanding into her adult self. 

The anxiety is usually an indication that she’s outgrown that way of being. 

As long as she associates anxiety with “the unknown”, she will not be able to see how much of her glorious energy she is trying to keep tucked away like overpacking a suitcase. 

How to feel empowered sharing your emotional needs with a man

What she needs to step out of the “too much” paradigm is to understand how the information she is sharing is being received (and of course, there is a way to share it that will increase this outcome, I’ll tell you about how to do that later). 

When she shares her preferences, needs, desires, etc. she doesn’t spew demands on people (like she thinks) but rather offers them a role in her life as the giver of joy. 

I was sharing this on a podcast interview yesterday, that people love to give. We know this because we love to give and yet the most fun giving happens when you have a great receiver. 

You know, the kind that makes them light up like you did something amazing… how does that make you feel? 

The same is true with men. He wants that version of you. 

This requires that a woman understand the complete exchange of energy (that receiving is a gift to the giver).

What she thinks is a burden is the doorway to the most magnetic version of herself. 

This misunderstanding keeps her from asking for what she would like/need- not only does she not ask for what she wants, but she settles for anxiety instead which veils her like an invisible fence.

But what if other people loved being in your presence when you have your needs met? 

Here’s an exercise I use with clients to help them own more of their preferences and quickly reduce the anxiety around expressing them:

Think about the last time you felt anxious in an interaction/date. What would you need to have to happen if you were to be the most confident version of yourself? 

What feeling/story comes up when you think about expressing that? 

If you could imagine the other person being relieved or even excited (vs whatever story is in your mind when you express this need), how would you share it? This is usually going to help it come out as the most natural expression (if you’re nervous about sounding clunky)

Write this down and practice it. This is what you will focus on before you go out with him again.

Some practical examples include:

I need to know that the conversation feels fluid, I’d like a phone date first but I want to be “in my Feminine” and let him initiate—> I’d like to know we have some things in common to talk about on our date and to feel comfortable in conversation… how about a phone call first? 

Or I need to experience a certain amount of attention/attraction from him but that seems so “shallow” and I’m supposed to be “open to new people”-->  discern how much attraction feels good and swipe on those men.

So often women hold back their preferences and desires because of feelings they may create in another person that they wouldn’t want to experience herself. But this keeps her hedged by anxiety, wondering how she can whittle down the request to be as minimal as possible. 

The downfall of this way of thinking as the payoff is as minimal as the request, and hides the majority of the joy and excitement that would far repay the giver. 

But when a woman begins to play with the idea that her happiness IS what a man is after (shout out to Alison Armstrong for teaching me this concept), it opens her up to receive in a healthy dynamic.

In a healthy dynamic, there is an exchange of energy that is completed by the receiving and accepting of what the other person is offering (this is much easier when it’s genuinely meeting a need and will naturally feel good).

When a woman begins experiencing this new exchange of energy, her “tank” naturally collects more than is going out, creating an overflow from which to fuel her daily life. 

The more she operates above her reserve, the lighter emotions she tends to experience. 

This is the importance of a woman’s confidence in her boundaries- it invites others to contribute to her in a way that registers in her system and allows her to open her heart even more.

Her masculine energy leads the way, showing others how to support her in return. 

This is counterintuitive and it is what I help women shift in my transformational program, ARISE. 

Along with correcting the energetic imbalance (going deep into the subconscious and nervous system to unwind this familiar pattern of relating), we also shift the way you've been communicating to allow for a “feminine” way of expressing your needs to those around you so it is a warm invitation without the pressure of demand. 

This program also includes 5 recorded modules, 4 weeks of virtual support (voice notes via Telegram) for real-time feedback and shifts, and 4-90 min 1:1 sessions to facilitate deeper healing, along with 2-4 emails/week designed to reinforce the information you’ve been applying and keep you on track. 

If you’ve been wanting to ask for your needs to be met but aren’t sure what they are or how to express them in an empowering way, check out Arise: The Art of Empowering Relationships to see if this course is the right fit for you! 

I love leading women to feel more secure internally to reveal their soft, feminine energy to (healthy) potential partners- this changes the game in romantic relationships. I’d love to help you too! <3